I Am Scared of God

and learning to let myself be happy

While in the mountains this weekend I was hoping to see a bear. Instead, I saw three mountain goats, a marmot, grouse, pikas. Even better. I can drive two hours and see all of these things, plus bears, and each time it shocks me. And then wooop, back to desk where I am now, toggling between the page and other pages. Shock wears off or you grow accustomed to something else.

I just hit 100 subscribers. There was never a goal, so 100 doesn’t seem large or small. You could call it an achievement; you could say two years of sharing should’ve gotten me “farther”. Either way, I love being here. Thank you for the support, the private emails in my inbox, the comments down in these posts, the encouragement!

I struggle so much with the business of our online dimension. I like to think I am good at discerning when it is time to delete the app (Instagram), which is usually always, just like how I know when to take a break from alcohol. Lately though, I struggle with the desire to delete my online presence and disappear. Like forever, preferably. I might someday. May we all, someday! 

…

It is no longer summer. I prayed for change—here it is. As a child, when I really knew prayer, I asked god to give me burdens before I knew what burdens were. In some mangled religious sense, I wanted to prove that someone could deliver me from pain.  Last night I dreamt of grief. Someone died and I grieved him like the sun was above and I was standing with two feet on the ground. It felt real. I don’t believe in god, but I am scared of god. We are messengers between what we know and what we don’t. 

Some days I am not scared of god or myself. Those days are the good days, you know? You talk to the cashier. You hear your breath. The tide hits your ankles. You hear a new laugh come out of you and someone you love says, I’ve never heard that before! You could ask yourself any question and there is a real answer or a direction or a godless prayer. There is no fear. I am in some crazy middle. The sun shuffles over the island mountains and I believe it must be the most beautiful day I have ever seen. The next day is dark. We all live there.

An old friend from college just visited—someone who knows me more than most people. I am still an explorer in this land so we went up to the mountains and walked it together. We were in the mountains hoping to see bears (at least I was) and instead we saw much more. I am working on letting others take care of me. Somewhere, in the dullness of the past few years, I think a lot of us have lost trust in each other, our surroundings, our neighborhood. It makes sense. I am not searching for the trust again, not now. I find the world around each corner and that is where we begin.