Life is Funny and Then Again Not

funny haha, funny weird

I’ve been going into a tunnel, diving into dark substance. It hurts to go there—to see myself. I’ve let myself down and at the same time it was never in my wildest 12 year old dreams that I would escape my past like I have done. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve escaped for so long that I will eventually slide down the other side and I’ll just land in a belly of infancy. But I have so much to learn and hold myself to, in lightness of course. 

What if, and hear me out, books and movies are not a reflection of us but we’re a reflection of them and this is why we are all so sad. Maybe we were never to live up to the cuts and jumps of life. We were never made for fastness. I don’t fully believe that (the first part), but if I did I would have a good case for poetry. Good poetry goes as fast as it is. It doesn’t do anything that it can’t do. 

Other things that are fast: social media scrolling, making quesadillas, taking a shower with poor water pressure, talking to my dad on the phone. I guess I don’t seem to be making any point here. 

I wish I had an answer for everything. Like why does my current job suck the color out from under my eyes, like feeding koi fish. 

I declared this year as the year all of my grandparents will die. It was supposed to be funny because it was sad and I didn’t know how else to deal with that thought. 

My grandpa was at the ocean recently, picking up shells. He sent me pictures and they looked like mummies or dead bodies, lying together all twisted up. He put them in a box to take to Michigan and in the car, on the way home, he told my grandma that he is going home to die. There’s no reason I’m telling you this other than to say that life isn’t really that funny when it comes down to it.

I have no answers. I’m experiencing pain, but I am also happy for the first time in a while. It is so beautiful outside and dark inside and somehow they get twisted too, like the bodies, and it’s beautiful and dark all over. Something is happening inside me, it’s neither bad nor good. It just is. And it probably won’t happen fast.