Sun is a broken, glitched migraine
this is how it is as of late
When I was a girl, a young child, I would sit on the bed with the cat and close my eyes for 1, 2, 3 seconds and then open them again. I wanted to see if the cat would close her eyes, you know, to know if she loved me back. Now, I’m not a girl or a young child, and Voo, my housemate’s cat, lies in the sun next to my feet. Sometimes all you need is a good animal; sometimes you need much more.
Recently, I find myself devastated over our non-linear lives. I want the cat to love me more and more each day, ha. I want things to make sense. I want friends to be alive. Sometimes I think resurrection is more understandable than death. Anything, I suppose, to be more of what we are now. But death is not linear. Everything is chance and timing in the human world.
My chance has me sitting on the bay of Washington. It’s a fine place here—fine as in people love their mountains bikes so much it freaks me out. Fine as in there are nice people everywhere (put nicely and jubilantly to me by an ex-Alaskan who now homesteads in the UP and, by the way, when I tell people about that place they look at me and say: WHAT is THAT? So I explain that it is the upper peninsula of Michigan. Most people have never even heard about an upper or a lower or the great ocean full of fresh water. So we laugh about it and I tell them about my Minnesotan accent I brought home from the UP in four days. They agree, I have one. You betcha!)
A few weeks ago, I was in a car accident (everyone is okay) in which the car smoked, the foot airbags came out, and the car was totaled. We were listening to Ooh La La by Faces and the driver wanted to change the song to Lake Shore Drive, and then oops, bam, we crashed. Car is gone. Driver says everything is changed now. They don’t want a car, just a bike-able city. Said they’ll look for that in the next place they go. Anyway. That night we went out for drinks to celebrate Still Being Alive and the bartender asked how we were. We told her about the Bam and she said, I have to tell you that it’s common to get depressed after a car accident. Haha, we said. That won’t happen, I said to myself.
A month ago I went backpacking through Oregon. Oh boy it was so good, you betcha. I came back and everything looked different, in that way where you think everything will be different from then on out, forever. And then, when things are different, but not in ways you expected them, and you’re in a smoking, crunched up car, and it’s only been a year since a best friend died but you think about it again, it’s like wow! Life sure is non-linear. I have found that to be devastating. And at first it seemed terrible that I couldn’t articulate it in a way that is hopeful or good. But thank god art doesn’t require good out of us, and that it’s just society going nuts, scrambling around, telling us to make something good out of the bad, to create a success story, to always be selling ourselves.
No, no, that won’t do. Sometimes it is all just terrible. Sometimes when you say it’s all terrible, you realize there are some things that aren’t. And I guess, all I have to say, is this is how it is as of late.
(Poem below for paying subscribers). Love to all <3
